cinically speaking

No coincidence that this was posted on my birthday this year. Those damn banana sticks get me EVERY.SINGLE.TIME.

whilstinsf:

When it’s open:

When it’s randomly closed:
 

Scene: 11AM, East Gourmet dim sum restaurant 

Mom: Eat a chicken foot.

Me: No thanks, the texture reminds me of fat meat, and I hate fat meat.

Mom: Why you so fat then?

Good thing I had this $8 deliciousness to plant my fat face in.

Impulse-bought this at Target cuz it was on sale for $1.

BEST NUT BUTTER EVER.

Just a tad sweet.

Perfect sandy-but-not-grainy texture.

My honey crisp apples have never tasted so good.

If you want to hear every adage ever written to sugar-coat a situation, get laid off from your job. Don’t get me wrong…I would be saying the exact same things, but after a certain point, it gets super old super fast.

“When a door closes, a window opens.”

“I’m sure it’s for the best.”

“You’ll bounce back, I just *know* it!”

Well yeah, I believe all that peppy bullshit, but for once, I just want to hear someone say, “That blows hard. Mrs. Shitbrick just had a baby on your desk. Have fun cleaning up the shplooge.”

Somewhere between the two extremes there was a perfectly grounded explanation, and like all silver parachutes of awesomeness, it came randomly, in the form of my friend & former colleague Jarrod’s Facebook post. For someone who worked closely with us but wasn’t directly affected by the layoff, he totally captured everything I was feeling.

…taking the time to let people know they matter is important because ALL THINGS CHANGE. And as life would have it, we ourselves don’t often get to decide when or how.

Don’t waste the present because the only constant is change.

It was such a perfect reminder. 

So as we say in TV, “Stay tuned.” Just because I have no clue what’s coming up after the commercial break, doesn’t mean I have to scramble to find the remote yet.

I came, I conquered, I cleansed.

I survived.

The reward:

Am I proud of this picture? Hell no. Did I earn it? Hell yes.

Final assessment:

Going food-free for 3 days was much more of a mental challenge than a physical one. I never felt hungry, deprived or skinny, but I did feel accomplished and proud when I finished it. 

What my co-workers ate for lunch:

What I ate:

Successfully resisted:

-Fried chicken from little green cyclo

-Shrimp garlic noodles

-Beignets

-Sweet potato tots

And oh yeah, our entire staff got laid off at 4:30pm on Day 2.  I wanted to start pounding tequila shots, but I kept sipping my grapefruit mint. This cleanse either has the worst timing ever or saved me from a week of alcoholism.

Hey, if I can cleanse through this, I can cleanse through anything.

Day #1 of the CAN CAN Cleanse, or “Hello, Invincibility Cloak! My Bitchiness is Justified for 72 Hours!” 

+

Never “hungry” exactly

Haven’t shat up a storm

Juices taste good

Cute jars

-

Miss eating my feelings, I mean food

Light-headed

Delayed reaction time

Successfully resisted:

Delicious pizza & meatballs from delarosa

Fruit snacks

Coffee

Food blogs

In two days I’m going to start my first-ever cleanse. Liquids only. Eight times a day. Three agonizing days. Figured it’d be fun to document. And by fun, I mean torturous.

Considering I’m already pretty cynical and bitchy on a full stomach, I can only imagine the type of crazy savage deliriously-hungry beast I’ll turn into. Sorry co-workers, I think it’s going to be a rough 72 hours.

I’m writing it down so I can be held accountable. Unfortunately, humans can’t lose that much weight by not eating for three days, so I won’t be reaping those benefits. What made me want to take the leap is when the owner of the cleanse wrote in an email, “Most people don’t know what it’s really like to go hungry.”  Considering I’ve never *really* gone hungry in my entire life, I thought it’d be rewarding to force my body to flirt with emptiness. Reason #2 is that I just want to see if I can do it, dammit. 

I’ve prepped by road-testing this yummy almond milk recipe and steering clear of buying perishables. I’ve mentally prepped by freaking the shit out.

Here’s to Cleanse Day 1 on Tuesday. Guess I always knew I was a clean freak.

Okay inspiration, come find me!